Finding a mate!

We all have fairy tale visions of what true love could be like,look like and feel like.Now I’ve never been one to whom love came easy.I never dated in my teens though would have loved to since I was so much fun back then.

As I reached in my 20’s with no hope on that chance meeting or bumping into someone kind of love happening to me,I had to get on the dreaded matrimonials.A website that claimed to have made a million matches all you had to do was click on a profile that you really liked.I think I’ve clicked on a million profiles by now and still haven’t met my match.

Apart from that is the old matchmaker lady who sends potential interests to you and she is left puzzled as why I haven’t married yet.I suggest she try date some of the guys.

An uncle once told me I have built a wall around myself and I have a standard that I somehow want to be met.Well I do have a standard I want fulfilled especially when I know men who know just how to treat a woman and make her happy.It gives me an undying hope.

Once while trying to find someone had a guy speak to me over the phone and tell me how his ideal day is tending to his buffaloes and tallying the bills at the end of the day.That is clearly not how I envision my days.This one guy who wanted to stay set in his ways even after marriage like leaving me in the middle of the night to hang out with a friend.Unheard of.One guy who walked up to me in shoes with practically heels on them and he was shorter than me and I’m really short.

Clearly none of the men I’ve met have tried to make me feel beautiful or feel like a lady.Though I may have a million flaws myself I will not stop looking for that one elusive love who will treasure me,accept me and make me feel no less than a queen.

So if you’re looking for someone don’t get on a website.Just wait if it’s meant to be he will walk into your life or you in his or you’ll just dream him into your life.Meanwhile I’ll be here still checking into a matrimonial because I’m now well past my 20’s and racing toward 40!

  

  

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When was the last time?

I sit here with absolutely nothing to do and free for the entire weekend.My days go by peacefully and I’m happy I have work this year which means less worrying and a little more living.The mundaness makes me think a little,when was the last time I did something out of the ordinary? Something bold and adventurous or something to give me a sense of achievement.Something kind for someone or brighten someone’s day.Something to face my fears or to test my determination.Do something creative or something that’s unique that’s just me.

Well there’s tons of things I could do and hoping I get down to doing at least one thing that makes me feel elated,happy and accomplished this year.(My secret wish is to learn how to ride a bicycle and own one.Tiny wish!)

For the time being ,the simple joy of every little day and the fact that things are easier than last year brings over a certain calm over me.

Nothing like being content with today and every now and then I will give myself a gentle reminder of when was the last time you did something special?

 

The struggle continues.

Last year was a year filled with struggle.Through most of it I was on an emotional roller coaster.I had more low days than good.I fought on to survive.Kept my little drama class running which was my only source of income.

December finally helped release the tension with all the holiday fun.Friends to meet,functions to attend all made me feel relaxed something I hadn’t felt in ages.

But good things never last long.Here I am in 2016 and have the same problems of last year.

Here are three things that I wish for that would make me feel content and happy this year:-

Finding a job-Even though I’m a kindergarten teacher I really want to pursue teaching Speech and Drama in schools.It is what makes me happy and keeps me healthy.Although I have gone in for a interview it’s a really long wait until they call me in for a second round.Hoping it’s soon.Keeping my fingers crossed!! Finding a job will really help me feel secure and keep me active and occupied in something I love.It will definitely gain me some peace of mind.

Finding someone-There are times when being single can be so good.You have your freedom,no one to answer to and you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone.But finding someone I connect with,talk to and fall in love with deeper everyday would be really nice too.

Meeting people-I hope I continue meeting people and making new friends.There is great joy in being surrounded with people you like and who’s company you enjoy .

Three things I take from last year:-

Worry less-It really helps to worry less .It let’s you feel happiness.

Stay loyal-Good friends don’t come easy stay loyal to them and they’ll surprise you in many ways.

Family love-Stay close to your family they will always be the only thing you’ve ever got in this world.

So even though it’s Cheers to new beginnings I also know that it’s Cheers to all the struggles we will fight through this year!! 

This picture below is of a park nearby and it really helped me all of last year to come here to rejuvenate,recuperate and simply to just breathe it all in.

 

Cool change!

Holidays are a great way to rejuvenate,rethink and simply get away from the city blues.My first memory of being on holiday was in the quaint hill station of Panchgani.As children we have a lot of memories there of making friends and being close to nature.It’s hard to imagine the countless times that we’ve been to Panchgani over the years after that memorable first time.

This time around we were met with heavy rains and although that restricted us to being at the hotel room,Panchgani never looked as beautiful as when it was touched with rains.The rain and mist through our windows along with some deep fried bhajiyas for snacks made it an experience in itself.

It did clear out and we even took a trip to Mahableshwar for our usual boating and tireless shopping.

Mum and I spent a lot of time in the garden on the swing set catching up on old times and admiring all the nature around us.

Panchgani has become more like home over the years and I simply enjoy clicking pictures each time.It is a place I share some sort of karmic bond with and know for sure that I will return to it yet again!It will always be my cool change.

    
 

Gone in a flash!!

October has gone by in a flash and it hasn’t been a great month but it’s left me with a special gift.Just today I woke up feeling peaceful,thankful,contented and yes all at the same time.It is a feeling I’ve been struggling for.Today I found myself release and let go of all the things pulling me back.

I find myself suddenly looking forward to tomorrow again and making it into yet another perfect day where I accept what is and be happy.

I found myself smiling,singing even doing a funny jig.I felt calmness.

October I thank you for all the emotional outbursts which sometimes are a good thing I think.It makes you feel pain and then suddenly you don’t feel it at all.It gets washed away.I hope the serenity I found in me lasts because it made me feel beautiful again.

Four things that I did in October that helped me overcome feelings of self pity,loneliness and attachment to the past.The healing-

1.Crying my heart out.Even though I felt like a big baby being on the verge of tears every minute of the day.It did help me gain a clearer picture and gain focus on what’s important for me now.Boohoo actually led to a yoohoo!!

2.Talking about my pain to my family even though it meant whining and complaining and making everything seem bigger than it really was.Driving my family up the wall did eventually work out well for me and I could get them to smile too at the end.

3.Walking helped me feel energized again and I wish I’d be more regular at it.We are blessed to have a park facing the sea and I’m glad I can look forward to more regular workouts there.

4.Watching the broadway musical Beauty and the Beast.I’m still dreaming of it.I love a good play.

I leave October behind but with a smile.November I have to help my little ones at my drama class come together and put up a little Christmas Show at my home.We are going to send the parents video clips of it.Its a little difficult getting the children to learn lines of a poem,skit and carols.But I just want them to have fun with it.Six adorable children rehearsing in November and then at the end of it I go on a holiday with mum and dad.More on that later.

So thank you October,let’s start November and December will bring it’s own bag of goodies!!  

   

 
Got by this year with a little bit of luck!!

Does God watch over us?

I’ve been going through a low phase and my sister went to our place of pilgrimage in Udvada.She said I prayed tons for you.I shot back at her and told her that I had read somewhere that God is only there at a macro level and he doesn’t really help or can’t at the micro level.So our small wishes and prayers to God will always remain unanswered.

She said God watches over all of us so have faith.

Does God really watch over all of us?What about the millions of men,women and children in war torn countries who wake up to the sound of bombing and fear in their hearts.

Does God really watch over us? When there are millions of children who die to starvation.

Does God really watch over us?When people live in abject poverty and don’t know how or where there next meal will come from.

Does God watch over the homeless,the young who fall sick,the abused?

Does God watch over the lonely or the old who just need someone to talk to?

Does God watch over you when you lose a job or you’re mentally ill?

Does God watch over you from making a mistake that will turn your whole life around.He let’s you make that mistake,let’s you fall to never recover from it again,let’s you struggle to survive,to live each day with pain,let’s you fight until your soul is tired and beaten.

I am angry at God today that is obvious because I made a mistake three years ago something small and insignificant and I am still trying to find that lost spark in me,find balance in life,love life again.It should be easy you would say put the past behind you. Maybe I have but it has made me weak and has made me believe that nothing will make me positive, healthy and happy again.It has triggered my bi polar disorder where I have mood swings every second of the day.

Even then I try to get up and go about my things but at the end of the day I feel trapped a sense of suffocation.I hit a different kind of low everyday .

If God watched over us the world would be a better place to live in.We would not have to fight each day to make it better.We would be like children happy for no reason.

Does God really watch over us or do we just want to believe that he does?

Even then I shall pray till I find that happiness in my heart that has long gone,till I meet God again because I too want to believe that he is watching over me.

Miss the noise

Growing up is the best part in our lives.Summers actually meant summer back then.Summer now is just one of the months that it really heats up.Back then it meant playing with your friends,organizing treasure hunts,playing cricket and badminton and pooling in whatever little pocket money we had to replace a lost ball or shuttlecock.

Summer meant bruising our knuckles playing ‘King’ and not minding it.Stuck in the mud had us all aggressive,energetic and brought it with it so many laughs.A long chain of other games,we used to start with one and end with another everyday.We had friends from all over the neighborhood join us in our games and we were always caught for all the noise we made.

Everyday of summer meant we had to come up with a new game a new wave of happiness.

Then the long chats when we had to wind down and talk about Archie and Betty and Veronica also all the latest on MTV.Some of the girls used to make garlands to put at the cross down the road and make us all pray at the end of play.

Summer meant crushing on a boy or two boys.But it always put you at the top of the world just to play with them,run after them,stand next to them.We all played our hearts out.

Even growing up to be teenagers summer held it’s value and we didn’t mind the beginning of another semester because there would be friends to meet again.

But from the time I’ve graduated I’ve sensed that some people move on and others get left behind.Everybody leaves for work,new locations to live and start families or study further.

I’m one of those who got left behind who still yearns for that shout out from a neighborhood friend or for a long walk with a girlfriend chatting about everything under the sun.Heck even to have a crush again and have them near you.

I longingly look down my lane for friends that came so often before.

It’s filled with new people and their children growing up now.

But for me it’s empty and I miss the noise we used to make!! That happy noise!!

Facing fear!!

This is just a short piece,light hearted and a little funny of the three most toughest,longest years of my life.I’ve had a lot of learning experiences and yet at the same time find myself still struggling to break free from the fear that resides in me.Irrational as it may seem but fear and worry that is all mine.This note helps me look at the lighter side of it.

Let’s meet again on a roller coaster baby!!🎢

I was attached to a place for nine long years,

Then uprooted myself from it.

It was a mistake but I only thought I had newer,better things to look forward to but it meant missing out on all the special things I had.Yet it was a mistake I did for my pride so I don’t regret it.

I was met with a shock when I had no job.

From then on I never had the confidence in me again.

Even then I pushed myself into different places again but couldn’t just last anywhere because my mind kept telling me to quit.

Now I run a small class from the comfort of my home.

And it doesn’t take me anywhere I don’t want to be and I like it that way.

But new opportunities are stirring again,

And my mind is held again with worry.

So I spoke to a friend and he said whatever this illness maybe,

It’s a tiny little thing you can control it don’t let it control you.

But I cried and said I was nervous of new things,people and places

And that my mind just says give up even before I know it because of this invisible illness I have.

So he said write down this illness then burn it,kill and murder it you must and say bye bye to it forever.

Don’t let it feed on you he said,your mind and body are stronger.

I listened to these wise words and I will soldier on and if fear raises it’s ugly head I will squash,it I’ll yank it,I’ll spank it.

But never let it push me into darkness again.

Fear I know you’re there and I know you’ll come but this lady is ready for you this time and she’ll fall down if she has to but get up she will.So fear let’s make a truce that if you and I were to live together we will live in peace and you’ll meet me sometimes but only on a roller coaster and then I won’t mind shrieking away but for now just let’s live in peace!

  

Today

Today I learn to let go,

I learn to not yearn for things that cannot be mine.

Today I learn to be thankful,

Thankful for all the tiny blessings in my life like a walk in the park,a note from a friend and food on the table.

Today I learn to maintain meaningful relationships,

Stay close to people who know how to love even from afar.

Today I learn to be happy in the moment,

As there is nothing that would change the moment I’m in,it just is.

Today I learn to forgive myself for mistakes made and look ahead,

I hope the road ahead is pretty and it will be if I want it to be.

Today and always I listen to the closest person in my life,

Today is what mother told me how life will be.

Like a long and winding staircase it leads you up and sometimes it brings you down you just have to learn to step up and overcome your fear of what might lie ahead.

Today …

   

 

Dreamcatcher!!

Today as I bought myself a dreamcatcher I list down some of the dreams that materialised in my life without intentionally wanting them but they left me with a feeling that a dream has been fulfilled.

Dream 1- Ever since I was a child I loved role playing a teacher.As I grew up I never had any real aims and my dreams changed with circumstances but I did become a teacher and it happened to me naturally.I miss having tons of children around me everyday but I have six enchanting children that come for my Drama class.Children are and will always be the blessings in my life.A dream I hope I continue to catch.

Dream 2- I’ve always wanted to watch a concert and although in college we had a lot of college bands performing,my true blue concert moments were at The Blues Festival that is held every year.Thanks to my sister and brother in law for taking me to my dream.Watching live music is a dream that brings me back to life.

Dream 3- I’ve always wanted to volunteer and although I had to take it up as work because I needed a job and could put in only four months at an NGO.It did leave me with wonderful memories and to volunteer one day is a dream I’d love to pursue.

Dream 4-I love my home and family and being close to them and seeing them happy and healthy is a dream I’d love to dream everyday.

Dream 5-I’ve always wanted to fly in a plane it may sound silly but my flight to Kodaikanal a few years ago left me floating in the clouds and I hope I dream my way into faraway places.

Dreams are a funny thing

They happen to you in mysterious ways

Some day you’re thinking hey I lived my dream and never even knew it !! 

 Taken from Pinterest. 

 Taken from Pinterest.

My very own dreamcatcher!!