Imprisoned in my diary.

Well this is supposed to be my second blog of the day but apparently I’ve lost the first one.It’s lost in oblivion just like I have been since last night.Anyway they ask me to reignite it but I’m lost for words now.

I’ve been having dark days instead of nights,more than many.I try to shine but instead end up hurting.I like to step into the light but I only end up seeking darkness.

My Facebook wall had become kind of my personal diary .I’ve always kept a diary the one you like everyone locked out of but someone always reads it.Why not share everything with the world when everybody already knows what’s lurking inside you but there’s no one really there to the rescue except you and well your diary.

So first up secrets.Why do we hold them just to protect someone or to use them to harm someone else at the right time.Push them into depression when you were just trying to spread smiles,break down walls,step into the warmth of the light.

Interference .We all interfere in each others lives we gossip share secrets,sometimes without any intention of harm sometimes just out of love.Should we interfere to the point of being abusive?I’ll just go and blame this one on Karma.

Love.Does it always have to be raw something you can feel,touch,smell and taste..Can you not love in different planes of thinking ?Does love differ in your fantasies,dreams,in your loneliness in your pain?Can you not sense love? Feel it when it’s not there? Feel hopeless about it when you need not be,be happy and breathe it in when you’re about to make it or fall into?

Walls. Why do people create walls around you when they have already built so many around themselves?Why do they need to suppress you,trap you,when you are ready to fly?

Change.Do people who talk about change really know what change does to you?The process,the progress,the transformation ?

Hate.Does it always win…Today was supposed to be an auspicious day,a day of prayer but I’ve been mourning through these very words or I’m in the mood where I’ll do whatever I want  to whenever I want ..this feeling just rises in me everyday.Am I a rebellious teenager? or a raging adult ?or caught in between the two? Maybe I’m crying out because I’m still a baby or in some minds treated like one.Let me grow up I say for I have.

Grow up do I want to when being an adult still means the elders still make the real decisions in your life the imaginary ones can be left to you.Do I want to grow up when a crush is a crush not love but for someone much older than you its companionship.Do I stay a midget because I look like one?Can I not be able of bundles of expression of love ,hate and all things good and evil?Why because I’m a woman?Just because I’m a girl?

Heart.Should I claim mine just as I have claimed the couch I sit on today.Rather selfish it must seem. Everyone claims to being everything in your life.Nothing remains unconditional.My mind well I lost control and right to that a long time ago.

So should I keep to the gloom of the day ..continue to dwell …I will because I’d just rather listen to the rhythms of my failing heart or to the tune of hate.At least I am entitled to go either way.Like the Gone In The Wind “Tomorrow is another day.”

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